august chagrin's turtleneck skin suitin which august chagrin discusses and perhaps demonstrates with you the audience member the many uses of the foreskin which he was so lucky to have been born with but which nobody else (boys or girls) seem to have received -- not even his very own father.
gasp!
egad!
delight!
will you be the lucky person selected (raise your hand high) to be invited onstage and allowed to touch this mysterious gift???
"god is great, god is good, let us thank him for my foreskin!"
august chagrin will appear in three-dimensional nudity for this piece, so bring your camera, bring your charcoal and sketchpad, bring your children -- hurry, hurry, hurry, step right up!
the end
august chagrin's tomato/tomato/houston/houstonin which august chagrin will tell you some of the things he remembers from his childhood in houston, texas -- such as astroworld, art school, the alley theater, etc. -- and will then show you the items he purchased on houston street in new york city that very afternoon -- such as a bowie knife, a badminton racket, a plantain banana, etc.
a raffle ticket will have been included with your admission price, and august chagrin will draw several tickets out of one of those big spinning things (with a roasted duck in it) -- one for each of the items -- and he will give away each of the items, inviting each winner one at a time onto the stage.
he will ask you the winner to share childhood memories and what you plan to do with your prize.
at the end of the performance, august chagrin will share the roasted duck with everyone else, giving you the part of the duck that your raffle ticket stub has stuck to, allowing everyone to go home a winner.
the end
august chagrin's paulioin which august chagrin acts out a variety of ailments and afflictions (perhaps with the aid of a projection screen showing people with actual ailments).
he will then turn off the projector and stand completely still for a long time, beyond what you think is possible or comfortable for a performance art piece.
you will wonder how he or anyone can remain as still as that for so long.
you may wonder why he's standing so still for so long.
you might even raise your hand during the q&a portion of the performance at the end and ask him.
he will tell you, "that is nothing, my sister has asperger syndrome and she can stand so still that a wild bird will land on her."
(august chagrin may or may not tell you that his mother painted pictures of his sister in this fashion.)
august chagrin will also tell you a story about a brand new affliction, an affliction that he has been stricken with:
an affliction called "paulio."
it is the sad but true, shocking story of having your lover stolen by your very own mother.
then he will sit on a toilet and very sloppily eat an entire german chocolate cake.
the end
august chagrin's things i know & nobody elsein which august chagrin looks into a handheld mirror and tells himself, and by way of your ability to listen to him, tells you things about himself that most if not all of you have no possible way of knowing.
for example:
august chagrin calls his mother not by her title of "mother" but rather by her chosen name, a name which was not given to her at birth but rather her initials (first, middle, and last), which, fortunately for those who choose to speak it, consists of a consonant, a vowel, and a consonant (in that order).
after that, if you are not too amazed to continue listening, august chagrin will tell you interesting facts about other family members and their names, including his very own name.
august chagrin will vomit into a mop bucket after talking about each family member.*
to close, he will mop the bucket of vomit onto the clean stage floor.
the end
(*with the help of ipecac syrup)
august chagrin's dress/undressin which august chagrin stands before you in his birthday suit next to a rack of quite lovely women's wear, each outfit perfect in size and style for august chagrin's skin tone and other body features.
august chagrin will hold each dress in front of his naked body:
1. a sequined number;
2. a simple black dress;
3. a country girl farm dress;
4. something a high-paid prostitute would be pleased to wear;
5. a very conservative preacher's wife ensemble;
6. etc.
and he will allow you the audience to vote on which of the outfits he will put on in that particular performance.
after a short dance to a song appropriate for the dress he is wearing, august chagrin will undress in embarrassing silence to reveal that his penis has magically disappeared.
he will walk off the stage without showing his backside.
the end
august chagrin's where's the rent, jesus?in which august chagrin rants and raves about his unhappy life as a landlord after having discovered a famous person has taken up residence in one of his organs.
you will wonder if august chagrin is being serious.
you will question whether august chagrin is merely being sacrilegious.
you will be forced to look at your own life, to peer into the contents of your own organs.
august chagrin will guide you to ask yourself if you are an unwitting landlord to a personal squatter or if your property is inhabited by a tenant with whom you have a binding contract.
august chagrin will amaze and perhaps frighten you with his knowledge of the holy bible, misquoting scriptures, perhaps causing you to wonder if they might be actual.
after this, august chagrin will sing a hymn or two in the style of a very old, very religious woman.
the end
august chagrin's injection of lovein which august chagrin will name as many illegal intoxicants as he can come up with and describe the effects they have on your body, mind, and soul.
next he will perform an elaborate ritual while james brown's "i feel good" plays over the speakers:
-he will spoon out a serving of a pink powder called "love";
-he will squeeze a few drops of "actual tears" onto the powder;
-he will light a black candle with a skull and crossbones on it and hold the spoon over the flame to heat the contents;
-he will suck the potion into an oversized hypodermic needle;
-he will inject the potion into his vein.
if you can stomach it you will be allowed to watch as august chagrin personally experiences the effects of "love":
the high,
the peak,
the coming down,
and the eventual withdrawal.
if you* are so inclined, august chagrin will allow one of you to join him onstage and be injected by him to see if you have the same reaction to love.
the end
(*most likely a human plant in the audience)
august chagrin's puppet in my pants (p.i.m.p.)in which you see august chagrin maneuver the contents of his britches in a most amusing and fascinating way.
you will be driven to say, "how did he do that?" when his hand appears, fingers dangling at the bottom cuff of his highwaters and waves at you.
you might be inclined to wave back before you've had a chance to think better of it.
you might ask yourself or the person sitting in the seat of the crowded theater next to you,
"where does the 'pimp' part come into it?"
ah!
that comes from the fact that august chagrin forces the contents of his britches to do as he
commands, and if the contents of his britches are noncompliant he forces them to be so, even
employing the "bitch-slap" method of punishment if deemed necessary.
the end
august chagrin's dummyin which august chagrin simultaneously drinks and expels liquid, not by some form of trickery
but in the manner as was intended by the creator:
in through the pie hole, out through the pee hole.
you will laugh until your bladder aches -- or perhaps you will be very upset and disgusted --
but nevertheless the show will go on.
august chagrin will also manage to sing a song or tell a story that he has written in advance (or
perhaps on the spot) about bed-wetting and the embarrassment that goes along with it, not
just for you the bed-wetter but for the little boy spending the night away from home for the
very first time who wakes up in a pool of your pee.
august chagrin will tell this story between gulps of the liquid he is drinking while standing in a
kiddie pool.
you will likely be amazed by the amount of liquid expelled.
the end
